Monday, July 16, 2007

Bari Fuct his Mom! Say What? Yeah!

7th grade, I was coming of an unpopular girlfriend free, kickflipless, poser suspect 6th grade and many of these conditions followed me in to the 7th making that year just as oppressive as the first But then during Christmas brake of 7th grade things turned around for me, I kissed a girl! With tongues! Twice even maybe! The problem is that it happened in Atlanta. So imagine this, the unpopular girlfriend free, kickflipless, poser suspect comes back and tells everybody about the unverifiable action he got when he was out of town... So I didn't attempt to tell a lot of people about it knowing that there would be doubts and further mocking, but I did confide in my loser buddy. He was my loser buddy and he was a fink, an opportunist and a scoundrel. He decided to take this as an opportunity to elevate himself in the popularity ladder. Bari kissed a girl with tongues, twice even maybe! Turned in to, Bari fuct his mom. Independently he would not of had the influence to spread this rumor, but one very popular upper echelon girl decided to confer with her popular coven and launch an investigation about it. The investigation went as follows.
Tell everybody I fuct my mom in Atlanta. And then approach me with around 5 other girls smiling brightly and anxiously. They interrogated me. The dialouge went something like this:
Popular girls "So Bari, I heard you fuct yr mom in Atlanta when you were both drunk..."
An outraged flustered unpopular Bari replied "Yeah, that's right I fuct my mom, fuck you..."
The sarcasm was noted but ignored for the sake of momentum. At that point they fled the scene cackling and shouting "Oh my god! He admitted it! He admitted it!"...
At the time the Red Hot Chili Peppers cover of "Roller Coaster of Love" was popular and some genius wyrd smiths came up with the Weird Al wyrthy parody...."Bari Fuct His Mom, Say What? Yeah! His mom was like a roller coaster baby, baby, I want to ride...."

Epilogue: This went on for a bit. I eventually rebounded by buying a Specials shirt before anybody else and was admitted in to the Kame Kool Krew (The good KKK). I actually had a girlfriend for around 3 hours in the eighth grade, and when she had her friend call and brake up with me I scoffed which was misinterpreted as crying which launched another series of rumors which I eventually overturned.
The Fink Loser friend, is still a fink loser. But not my friend.
The popular girl who spread the rumor is doing very well for her self in Chicago and took her go getter attitude and investigative abilities in to the wyrld of journalism.

1 comment:

J.Paul said...

Excellent move w/ the Specials shirt my friend. I was a dumbass and had a Circle Jerks shirt in 7th grade. This was ok for about a month until some dipshit asked his redneck uncle what it was. Once everyone knew, I was fucking pwned. I kept sporting it though bc I would run into the odd, old punker every now and again who knew what was up. That shirt got me props and I heard some great war stories from these vets, so it was worth it.